Hey Empress, welcome
Happy to see you join, sad that it’s under rough circumstances. It’s hard to gauge what the best practice would be to recommend considering I know so little of your situation BUT I’m more than happy to share what’s works for me when things get amplified. Happy to hear more if you’re interesting in sharing!
Sitting Practice
I know it probably doesn’t sound at all exciting, but just sitting with ourselves can yield a plethora of realizations. On the most basic level finding a few windows in the day where we can sit for 20 minutes and deeply relax can already provide some relief. On a deeper level you’ll find that at first your mind is running frantically between typical day-to-day thoughts, but once those subside we start seeing things come up that are a bit more hidden from us. Thoughts, memories, and feelings start to surface that are usually on the unconscious level – yet they play a huge role in the way that we consciously react to situations.
On the deepest level sitting practice can give a glimpse into a part of our mind that sits outside of all the bullshit and concept labels. This part is free in the highest sense and spending time steeped in it can help untangle us from the reality we have constructed. This underlying mind that’s free from conceptual elaboration is always present underneath it all, even when we’re in the midst of strong emotions, and having the ability to switch focus into it can help us even in the heat of the moment.
Active Imagination & Lucid Dreaming
Another good way to take a peak under the hood is to step into the realm of the unconscious itself. The world of dreams is where you’ll be fully immersed in the sea of the unconscious. Lucid dreaming in specific is a perfect way to start exploring it, getting acquainted with the archetypes that live there, our own shadow, and various other manifestations. Here’s a link to the lucid dreaming guide. For myself dreams have given many realizations about why I feel a certain way and often simply recognizing the underlying pattern and bringing it into the light of the conscious was enough to give me an ability to change.
For some lucid dreaming comes very easily, for others (like myself) it takes a bit of time and practice to start having them. A counterpart to lucid dreaming that can be done during waking time is active imagination. Carl Jung was a huge proponent of this practice. Essentially you start by relaxing as much as possible, taking the time to ensure you’ve settled down both physically and mentally, and then letting your imagination run wild. Rather than simply being a passive observer you take an active participation role. Try to engage with the characters, objects, and scenes you see. Go on a journey through your imagination and see what you discover. At first it can feel silly or awkward, since as adults we’ve been taught to disregard our imagination and associate it with childishness, but over time the journeys and discoveries become more and more immersive, profound, and grand.
For both lucid dreaming and active imagination it would be important to start getting to know your own symbology. The emphasis here is that it is your symbols. For one person a dog might mean friendship and loyalty, but for another the symbol might mean fear and animosity (depending on how we see dogs). Carl Jung’s book “Man and His Symbols” is a great primer on interpreting symbols. Once we analyze the content of the journey we can start to draw parallels and uncover what message the unconscious was trying to communicate. This lets us integrate it into our conscious self, sometimes automatically just by realizing the connection, other times with active effort to change something we realized needs changing.
DMT
You mentioned that you’re hoping ayahuasca will provide a healing journey, and that is often true. Psychedelics put us into an integrated state of consciousness where the walls between conscious, unconscious, and mystical are broken down and we can have a grand experience of realization and healing. Often this journey is not the most comfortable, since our deepest issues tend to be hidden away, things we would rather not face, but in my experience it is always necessary to face them. Having a guide that can help us navigate both the trip itself and ensure physical safety is of utmost importance but I’m sure you already knew that.
While ayahuasca is a very heavy experience, I’ve found that DMT on its’ own can be a bit easier to manage. The duration is much shorter (under ten minutes), the body load is less heavy, and in recent years DMT has become more and more accessible. It’s something to consider if psychedelics is the direction you’re leaning in. While the experience won’t be as grand as ayahuasca, it can still yield huge realizations and even prepare us for the ayahuasca experience.
Shulgin’s approach to dosing is the safest approach I’m aware of. He recommended starting with a threshold dose, which has barely any noticeable effect, to ensure that there is no adverse reactions that we might be pre-disposed to. With DMT this would be around 5mg. Going from there you would scale up slowly, ensuring you’ve gained a level of comfort with each plateau before moving to the next. From 5mg moving up to 10mg is a good step, and beyond that scaling up 2-4mg at a time seems to be a good way to experience a “sliding scale”. Personally I would recommend the eMesh method as it is the most efficient. It takes a bit of setup but will ensure you’re getting consistent dosage.
For myself I found 12-15mg on an eMesh to be a sweet spot where the experience is strong enough to trigger an integrated state of consciousness, but light enough that I can repeat the experience as often as I’d like without having my mind absolutely blown. At the same time, doing a full breakthrough experience has its time and place, but will typically require a bit more time to integrate. On an eMesh a breakthrough is common at 20-30mg, and with other methods typically at 30-50mg.
Final Considerations
It goes without saying that peering behind the curtain comes with its own dangers. Everyone’s mental composition is different and whether psychedelics are in play or not it’s important to approach deeper layers of reality with caution. Taking it slow is a good start, but paying attention to how it effects us is even more important. If you ever find that you’re losing stability or starting to spin out then taking your foot off the gas and taking extra time to integrate is the best course of action.
If you’re comfortable with therapy I’m a big fan of Jungian psychology and Gestalt therapy both. It can be hard to find a good therapist but when you find someone you vibe really well with, who can help you navigate the deeper recesses of your mind, that can work wonders.
I hope you find at least some of what I said to be useful and helpful – if not then hopefully someone else replies with more fitting suggestions.
Welcome again! Please feel free to share your experiences along the way
p.s. love the username. I find it interesting to see what people pick since most names are not yet taken